Lightning Seed

Brief. But heartfelt.

2007-02-06T21:58:00.000-06:00

Well. My life has been crazy. I barely get to read blogs anymore, work has been insane. It has been good in some ways, as I am learning a lot. Working with some good people. But the bad part is that I feel so distant from the TTC journey. I haven't even been monitoring my blood pressure as much, mostly because I think its been lower. Mostly. But then again I may have busted up my the machine taking it ten times a day.

But I wanted to wave to everyone and say that I miss you all. And I do jump on from time to time to read and catch up. Babies have arrived, babies on the way. All beautiful things. And I hope to rejoin the journey very soon. Perhaps March. I am feeling March.

We are sans clue.

2007-01-09T19:28:00.000-06:00

So. Here I am again, not sure what to say other than, holy shit. What the hell. Work has been work, there is no surprise to describe there. Oh, wait, a deal I have been working on for some time may die soon. On some level, this is good, because it means I get some sliver of my life back. But then its bad. Bad because the last few months feel so damn wasteful if the damn thing dies.

Not to mention. The blood pressure thing is no fun. I don't know what happened. I went from the readings at most every visit being 110/70 to having some wacky thing going on with my diastolic (which usually ranges from 80s to 90s). My systolic ranges from 110-130. So. The question is whether to go on beta blockers. I immediately worry that I am too unhealthy to have a child. BP issues with pregnancy, as we all know, equals no fun. I am not even clear what BP medicine is safe to take while pregnant. There is a little sticker on the bottle that I stare at every day that warns about taking with pregnancy. Any thoughts on this?

I have already lowered the salt, I am trying to exercise. Thank you for the yoga tips and whatnot. I think that it would be a good idea, I just need to overcome my gym phobia. At this point, I am just running/walking outside 3 or so times a week. I need to do more, I need to find time to do more.

So. We don't know what we are going to do on the baby front. We are considering the options. We even talked about the possibility of J. carrying my baby via IVF, although I know that is a tough route. But, man it would be ideal since I have to work pretty hard, and am the main breadwinner if you will. It would simplify things. But we just don't know.

So there you have it. We just don't know. Will we try in February? Not clear. Any internets out there knowing of pregnant folks with higher BP, please give me a shout. I'd love to hear from you.

Wearing thin a bit around the edges.

2006-12-29T23:24:00.000-06:00

Well, just wanted to swing by again to wave hello, in sort of a sad little I can't believe my life kind of way. I have had a very weird couple of weeks. For whatever reason, I took my blood pressure at my brother's place on Christmas eve and it was high. So I ended up at the doctor on Thursday and she told me it was high. I knew it was going to be high when she took it because I was fairly wigged out about it. (I have high blood pressure in the genes on my dad's side, so its not surprising that it might show up one day).

Two months ago it was 110/70 at the doc's office. Thursday it was 150/95. It has never been that high, so I knew it was due to stress. I have been stressed out lately. The job, the trying to conceive, the wondering how I will try to conceive with or without the job, etc. My job has pretty much woken me up every morning with my mind racing with all there is to do. So, I wasn't surprised to hear that I am experiencing some high bp.

The thing that sucks is that she wants me to take a beta blocker. Well, sort of. She wants me to take it if I get more high readings at home (I have a home machine for fun and games. Part of me wants to throw it out the window). Anyway, I have taken it and mostly its been on the high side, but not nearly as bad as the doc's office. So I don't know what I will end up doing. I could use to lose about 15 pounds, and, really, I should exercise. I don't exercise at all. I sort of want to try that route first before I start popping pills. Oh yeah, and the dash diet. Good times.

The bad news- this sort of makes the TTC thing a bit weird. I feel that I need to get this shit under control, figured out, and whatnot before we start trying again. So it means at the very least that January is out. Maybe even February. But I am trying not to think that far ahead, as its somewhat depressing.

Anyway, any thoughts out there on bp or whatnot would be much appreciated. I am trying to remain as zen as possible, as my worrying about my bp is of course raising the bp.

Again. Good times.

Happy holidays, internets.

2006-12-24T15:23:00.000-06:00

Well its been a crazy few weeks. I don't know what to say about it other than, holy crap has it been busy. I have had no time to obsess over TTC, and I have turned into a boring person who works all the time. Sad, but true. Thank god its somewhat temporary.

January is looking crazy too. So we are not sure what to do about trying that month. We may sneak in another home attempt. I just don't see how I am going to make it to the RE over the next week or so to get a bunch of blood work and the other physical he failed to mention at the appointment that he wants to do. Something about a swab and whatnot.

Anyway, we will see. I am trying to be Zen about it all. Trying.

I hope everyone has a lovely, lovely holiday. And I wish all the TWW'ers the best of luck. I hope to be joining your ranks again very soon.

Moment of silence.

2006-12-14T23:07:00.000-06:00

For the peak readings. Passed like a ship in the night. Let us have a moment of silence for the unattended egg, floating into oblivion, to its demise. Let us hope that is not my last.

It just sucks.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program...

2006-12-10T23:27:00.000-06:00

So J. and I have been looking for someone to work on the website for J.'s side business, and not having a lot of luck with the Art Institute kids we been contacting lately. Story is, she has a site up and running for over a year now but it needs to be revamped and updated in a bad way.

The person who initially did the design has since gone MIA so we need someone good who can either scrap all her pieced together code or work with what's there. We don't have a preference.

We are certainly willing to pay $$ and all that, we just need some tips to lead us to some really good graphic designer/web-design peeps. And I figured the Internets would know. Please send me an e-mail if you do.

Thank you very much. And good night.

Unfit.

2006-12-09T19:11:00.000-06:00

Today at work (yes, at work on a Saturday, which might explain some of the crankiness I will describe below), I had to go grab some lunch. So I went next door to get a sandwich and the place was fairly empty. Hmm, probably because it was a place in the Loop (Loop in Chicago=businesses and nothing more so if you are in the Loop on a Saturday you are in a very sad place). But randomly a woman came in with two small-ish kids. These kids were running around shrieking, bumping into me, the others in line, the mother looked like she was teetering on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown.

I started having really bad thoughts. I might have snarled at the children. I can't be sure. But I do know that the kids were driving me nuts. I didn't feel one ounce of affection for these kids, not one. Nor did I have the "oh ho ho kids will be kids" reaction. Maybe I felt a smidge of pity for the mother who, like I said in paragraph one, looked like she was about to crack.

It made me worry that I am unfit to be a parent. I come home and confess this all to J. in a hushed whisper. She is nonplussed. I try to tell myself two things; 1) I would never let my kids behave that way; and 2) I can't predict how I will feel about my own kids based on my reactions to a stranger's progeny. Our tolerance is just different for our own. Right? Right??*eye twitching now*

I didn't order the swimmers. I am thinking I am sitting December out. Although there is no sign of a peak. Hmm, note to self- I guess I really do ovulate late. I thought it was insemination shyness last month. Its like CD17 or some shit. I must say I like that I am not sticking my hands in my pants every five minutes to check for CM. I fear that my ovaries are smoking virginia slims and sipping martinis this month.

The Libra.

2006-12-06T22:07:00.000-06:00

So J. did a nice job summing up our visit to the RE yesterday. Our appointment was brief. He was a bit slick, a bit wink wink nudge nudge but overall we sort of liked him. Sort of. To be fair, I think we would have felt way more comfortable with a woman. I don't know if there is any man (in the particular OB/Gyn/RE arena) that would make us feel good about the process. And the only woman in the Windy City that I know of is at a place that pumps you with meds. Right away. And I don't want that. Not right away.

But your comments to J.'s last post were all spot on. We want to have a say in the process. We have to do some thinking as to whether we want to push the two IUIs per cycle. Maybe it doesn't help anything other than our psyche of feeling like we are doing all we can to maximize the chance of success. Even with a trigger, it still makes sense in my mind to do two. I don't know how the insurance thing is going to shake out, so that will be a factor. I have good insurance, and he is going to write a letter. He seems like he knows the system pretty well. And he's affiliated with a top notch university. We just have to go with him, I think. At least for a couple of months.

My next issue is whether to try at home this month. It feels so hard to sit this one out, but, I wonder if it would just be better for us to start in January so we can do the triggering/monitoring method. When we tried at home last month, there was a part of me that felt like the swimmers were just hanging out in the VJ talking about the weather. I just couldn't believe they would have the clarity to swim in the right direction nor did I think they had the commitment to stick it out for the six hour journey. Maybe it makes sense to go straight to the IUIs for the next cycle(see I always want to go with plural there). No more refilling tanks with liquid nitrogen while I wait for the elusive O day.

I just feel disappointed to sit this month out. Even though I know somewhere that it makes sense given crazy schedules and all that, part of me still thinks, hey, wouldn't it be nice if it could happen at home? Of course I think that. I HATE the speculum. I am the nun with the knocked knees. I find it incredibly painful and terrible and I know I am a pansy.

I don't know what to do. I'm such a Libra. I guess if I wait long enough to decide I will get a peak and then it will be too late. How's that for decision making?

Appointment with the RE on a blustery Tuesday morning

2006-12-05T10:38:00.000-06:00

S. and I headed downtown to see the RE this morning. It is freezing cold outside and we were forced to wear our matching coats like the little twinkies we are because those are the heaviest we've got. I also have a cold, so I sneezed all the way through the hellish commute where hundreds of people were packed like cattle on the train. I am sure everyone appreciated my being there.

Anyway, the doctor wasn't the coolest guy I've ever met but he was nice enough. He pointed out that Illinois regards S. as a single woman and that she will need to be declared infertile for insurance purposes. Yes, this we know.

In terms of the nuts and bolts stuff, as he put it, he recommends we ship our vials to them. Great. He also said we should only do one vial per cycle. We were surprised by this. Everyone we know who has done this -- whether online or in person -- has performed at least two tries per cycle. This guy says that is a waste of money and if he conducts a scan of her ovaries to look at the dominant follicles and gives a trigger shot, then one IUI will suffice. We felt baffled by this, and his overall smooth operator tone. He said that S. should try in his office 2 or 3 times before he brings out the drugs. He said they prescribe Clomid but nothing beyond that. No injectibles, as to prevent quadruplets. After Clomid they turn to IVF, the nuclear weapon of TTC. He said it could take one month, it could take 8. This is really a business, a baby making business. He seems a little like a used car salesmen but I think we should try it for a few months and see how it goes. After the meeting I felt like this could really work. I felt like we were taking control of it and could really get pregnant this year. I feel excited by this.

I have to go to work in an hour and feel like crying into my latte. What are your thoughts about only doing one IUI per cycle?

In need of some advice. Please.

2006-12-03T14:39:00.000-06:00

Its Sunday and I have had my first break from work this week. I have worked late every night, usually past midnight, and I worked all day yesterday. It sucks.

In a previous post I had mentioned that I was looking around at other potential job options. I feel a little trepidation around this given the fact that I want to get pregnant sooner rather than later, and hope that the magic happens on one of these upcoming tries. I had reasoned that perhaps I should stay at my current employer at least through the pregnancy given the good pay, good health insurance, and generous maternity leave (3 months paid, and additional time available unpaid).

The drawback- the hours. They are unpredictable and can be quite brutal. I know of a few colleagues who have been pregnant and worked insane hours but they had complication-free pregnancies. I don't know if I want to have to handle that sort of stress if and when I get pregnant. I have no idea whether mine will be complication-free (I worry about my blood pressure.) I suppose I can talk to my employer about that, but the kind of work I do doesn't lend well to a 9 to 5 type schedule.

The issue I have with switching to another job right now is the getting pregnant right away factor-how would the new employer look upon this situation? As a lesbian, I can't really pull off the "oops, it was an accident" party line. I know technically they can't show that they care, but still, would it be unfair to my colleagues/boss who will not necessarily have me at full capacity, also knowing that I will be gone a few months for the maternity leave? Would people resent me?

I have friends that say I should continue looking for a new job and not worry a bit about the new employer/pregnancy thing. I have others that say you should be at a new job for at least 1 year before you sprout a pregnant belly. I am just struggling with the thought of staying at my current employer given this hectic work schedule. I am already pondering not trying in December due to work stress, but then I worry that January will not be any better.

Please give me some advice. I would love to hear others' opinions.

In other news, we have a RE appointment on Tuesday. To illustrate the work/life conflict, yesterday I was told I may have to fly to St. Louis for the deal that I am on Tuesday. I think I am going to tell work that I have a procedure scheduled that I cannot cancel. Otherwise it is another two month wait to get into the RE I want to see.

Its all crap.

Snow Day

2006-12-01T15:41:00.000-06:00

I totally stayed home from work today on account of the Midwestern snow storm. It was fantastic. I have been painting and lounging about all day. Howard and I occasionally raided the cabinets for junk food. Howard did some bunny hops in the snow too. I only wished S. could have been with us. Instead she is locked within the sterile walls of her giant corporate office. She got home last night at 2:30am and had to leave for work this morning at 9. I don't think we can try to have a baby this month. She will probably be working like this for another 6 weeks or so and that is not conducive to conception. Although, maybe she won't have as much time to obsess over every ovarian twinge, and that could work to our favor.

We uploaded our anonymous donor, Daniel's baby photo as wallpaper on our laptop for inspiration. I just love him. I think that I don't have as much weirdness surrounding this whole making- a- baby -that's- part -of -some -stranger business because we both have an odd connection to him. S. saw a commercial for next season's The Bachelor and was convinced for 5 minutes that he was our donor because they had similar voices and occupations. She gets carried away sometimes.

S.'s mom also told us she is sure that S. will have a boy, if and when it works. I feel the same way. I am always trying to think of boy names, but I really can't think of any I like too well. Whenever I pick out a name and offer it to S. she tells me the kid will get the shit beat out of him on the playground. She likes more classic names while I obviously like pansy-ass sensitive boy names. I suppose we have time to think about all this considering that we've only tried once and it didn't work. I guess all the thinking we have done about TTC makes it feel like we've been trying forever.

Daniel, my donor.

2006-11-26T14:05:00.000-06:00

Well, Thanksgiving is over, thank god. I love my family. I do, but it was a little hectic and not much of a relaxing holiday all in all. My parents stay in our guest bedroom, and there is no such thing as sleeping in when they are here. So right now J. and I are sitting here, minds in a semi-vegetative state wondering where all the "vacation" went.

Thank you for your comments re: the BFN. Your support is much appreciated. The whole testing process on Thanksgiving was interesting. The HPT delivered the news in the morning. We weren't sure it was a definitive no. Then while eating the turkey dinner that afternoon, I felt like I was socked in the stomach with a brass-knuckled fist which sent me to the bathroom in a cold sweat. In the middle of the meal. Not my typical period cramping, usually my spotting day is cramp free, then I get full on cramps with the full on flow the next day. Not so this round, the prelude to spotting was a hulk-sized punch to the uterus. I will leave out other sordid details. And I really had the worst round of cramps on Friday, ever. Perhaps mother nature twisting the knife for fun and games.

Anyway, we are trying to decide whether to try this month or skip it. I am already stressing about work (woke up this morning totally sick to my stomach that tomorrow the hell will begin). J. is going to NYC in the middle of the month and I don't know when the hell O day will be this time around. And I just don't know if I am up for the guessing game as to when to ship the swimmers.

We have a first appointment with a RE on Dec. 5. So perhaps we will discuss it with him (ahem, its a him! I am already breaking my own rules). If we can have the swimmers shipped to the clinic directly (like 6 or so vials to cut down on shipping), maybe we can play it by ear this month. Its hard to skip, but maybe given the holidays and work stuff, maybe its for the best.

But I have a feeling as we get further along in our cycle, it will be harder to sit this one out.

We showed my mother a baby picture of our donor and let her listen to the audio clip. She announced that we should call him and have a drink or two with him, just to look him in the eye. I tried to explain to her several times that we are sort of paying a premium to not have that type of involvement with him, but we are not sure she really gets it. The next day she started referring to the donor as Daniel for no apparent reason. Maybe she is psychic. More likely, just crazy. But we think the name has to stick.

Nope.

2006-11-23T22:21:00.000-06:00

This morning we got the "Not Pregnant" on the ClearBlue digital test. (I so didn't want to be fantasizing a second line). We weren't surprised, but we weren't totally sure if it was in the 87% accurate bracket or the 55% accurate bracket.

Tonight I started spotting and I am fairly certain I will be all red tomorrow. We are a tad disappointed but we really didn't expect it to work our first time. That would just be too easy.

However, I am wondering if our timing was off....my luteal phase is typically 14 days, and if I insemmed on Nov. 10 (am and pm) doesn't that mean we were possibly too late? If so, my monitor and OPKs failed me this cycle.

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. On the bright side, looks like I can have some salty margaritas tomorrow night!

11 dpi. No way am I preggers.

2006-11-21T21:45:00.000-06:00

Not much to report. Apparently we caught the nasty ass TTC bad mood bug last night. J., the lovely girl that she is, started snarling about how she doesn't like Chicago and misses NYC (see post below). This was a little unlike her and we realized it was a wicked moodswing (hormones gone wild). When things settled down a bit, we began to hypothesize that she somehow got herself pregnant when she was manhandling the syringe.

Wouldn't that be funny? Not sure its funny ha ha but you get my drift.

At work today I got staffed on a deal that will be crazy crazy busy the first two weeks of December. Staying super late, working weekends. Which means, not sure I want to try to inseminate if it gets as crazy as I project. It would be too stressful and it almost feels wasteful. Which means, no pregnancy from our last attempt = we may be out until January.

Not sure how I feel about this.

I do know that I *don't* feel pregnant. I have zero, count 'em, zero symptoms. And a bottle of this wine that I would like to drink on Thanksgiving.

I think we'll test on Thursday morning.

p.s.

2006-11-21T00:58:00.000-06:00

Just to but a little color around the last paragraph of J.'s post- by confronted she means discussed. We have been seen as a "gay couple" for some time, and I have brought girlfriends around for years and years. We just didn't talk about it, really. It just was. Not ideal, but my parents are of an older generation.

Mom is cool with it. As is dad. Mom campaigned for Tammy Baldwin.

And yes, J. stole my pregnancy. She usually steals my period, but I guess she was feeling greedy this month.

i even miss times square

2006-11-20T22:47:00.000-06:00

i had a tantrum earlier this evening but i am over it now. i folded some laundry and walked the dog and put away the dishes and the routines comforted me back to reality. i might be stealing S's pregnancy. i had a hormonal surge after reading a blog of someone who lived in brooklyn and i became despondent over the fact that i don't live there anymore. i do tend to romanticize a bit.

i am going to nyc the week before xmas to see my family but it will be very brief. i am excited to spend a day in manhattan but saddened that my relationship with new york has become so rushed. it used to belong to me. now i have to cram everything in during one visit. i can't spend hours at the Strand bookstore or get cupcakes at the Cupcake Cafe whenever i want. for this i pouted like a brat tonight. it must be something bigger, i think. perhaps the impending pregnancy test. i am going to pass out.

did we mention that S's mother confronted us about being a gay couple for the first time ever? it was weird to come out all over again, after it having been ignored for so long. i am looking forward to all the explaining we will have to do as gay parents.

Cruel world.

2006-11-18T12:01:00.000-06:00

We arrived late last night at my parent's house. Within about 10 minutes, my mother told me I looked like I had a glow about me. My eye twitched (she doesn't know we are currently TTC).

Then we met our very good friend Sea at her house and she gave me a hug, and told me that I looked like I had a glow about me. She has less credibility because she knows I am trying.

I told people it was either the vitamins or high blood pressure. I am pretty sure I don't have a bun in the oven.

Calgon. Please take me out of the bad place.

2006-11-17T14:53:00.000-06:00

I type this brief message while swigging a Diet Coke (tm) and shoving dark chocolate truffles in my mouth. What's sick about this? I was reading some more of those "What to Do" chapters in the Brill book last night, really, more like the "DON'T DO THIS!!" chapters, and boy, one thing was made clear to me:

I am clueless.

According to the book, I am doing everything wrong. I guess I'm not supposed to have sugar. Avoid chocolate. I am also not supposed to have the artificial sweetners either (that I understand). I already knew about the caffeine, and I am okay with that. No aspirin. (But then on some boards ladies are popping those baby aspirin to thicken the uterine lining?). No advil.

The no sugar thing threw me. I mean, I am pretty sure my mother was swinging the martinis as my dad chain smoked when she was pregnant with me. But no sugar and diet cokes for me. I know, times have changed.

But. I am screwing things up already.

The TWW is awesome. I have been obsessively reading blogs and baby boards. Obsessively doesn't really capture my fervor. I must be stopped. I have decided to perform an intervention on myself and go out of town for the weekend. I am pressuring J. to leave her job early so we can hit the road and go up north to my beloved town of Madison, Wisconsin. Its God's country.

Surely this will make me a normal human being again. Heh.

Netiquette. And triplets.

2006-11-15T18:43:00.000-06:00

**Edited by author to remove ramblings re: linkage and whatnot. I am over it.**

Also, last night I dreamt that J. and I had babies at the same time. She had one, I had twins. One was very sickly with a bobblehead that I kept worrying that it would fall off. We wrapped the babies up like little burritos and left them on the floor in our apartment to go to a party.

Anxiety much?

I mean, really.

2006-11-14T22:55:00.000-06:00

What can I say? I think people are running to take cover, for fear that I may actually end up pregnant. I have already complained about the following issues/fake symptoms of pregnancy:

1) headaches, frequent, which I normally don't get (which led me to take my bp and I won't even tell you that fun little story)
2) severe tubal twinges, or so I thought, until J. pointed out that I was pointing to my kidneys, and, last but not least..
3) bloating. I mean, B.L.O.A.T.I.N.G. I feel like a pygmy. Its driving me crazy. Two days of feeling like I swallowed a few helium balloons and I have threatened to burp the alphabet on conference calls.

God help me I know I am insane. I know these are not, NOT pregnancy symptoms. I think #3 is due to this damn a-hole prenatal that makes me feel like shit on a stick. I am taking a vitamin break today (I did take the folic acid as my eye twitched with guilt).

The next ten days should be fun. And, my whole family is coming to Chicago for T-day. Um, and I can't drink? I know this sounds like I have a substance abuse problem but you don't understand my family. I never drink, but when the family gathers, alcohol is needed. Its just fabulous timing, it is.

Spermy McSpermerson

2006-11-12T21:44:00.000-06:00

Thursday night we moved the tank into our bedroom. We both had pre-insemination jitters because the OPK gave the thumbs up in the afternoon, so we knew we should proceed in the morning. Since I am a bit on the clumsy side -- ham hands I believe she calls me --I was worried the insem would be a disaster for all involved. Even for Howard, because he had to be locked up in his crate so he wouldn't knock the tank over or claw at the door trying to be involved in the magic.

What a romantic morning. One of those lesbian fertility books we read suggested burning candles and reciting poetry to one another. We decided to skip all that and just focus on not frying the sperm in its sink bath, not spilling the sperm in an over zealous squirt and not panicking and forgetting where the syringe is supposed to go. It was pretty anti-climactic. I didn't know what do to about opening the tank so I grabbed a pair of my mother's leather gloves. Then I thought I should protect my eyes so the liquid nitrogen wouldn't blind me, so I grabbed a pair of weird sunglasses. S laid on the bed afterwards, waiting with hips tilted up for a while and then we left for work. We were both so anxious and excited and freaked out about what we had done that we could barely concentrate at our jobs all day, instant messaging non-stop about how insane we felt. The odds are so low, aren't they? Do people really get pregnant doing ICI's at home? Holy shit.

The weather was horrible, cold, rainy. I got home first and prepared myself for the next round. I went upstairs to the bedroom and found the syringe from the morning on the floor. Chewed to shreds. Howard. He managed to open our bedroom door and then remove the used syringe from the trash receptacle. Chewed it with great fervor. I was grossed out but then, as usual, I photographed the evidence. He's really into foraging through personal belongings and trash bags. He once unzipped my purse and ate a chapstick, a box of altoids, a handful of hard candies and chewed a pack of gum. But anyway, I took it as a sign that he was trying to prevent insem #2. He obviously doesn't want to share our love.

The evening round went a bit more smoothly. We felt more relaxed since it was a Friday night and we didn't have to spend the next 8 hours with tools at work. I put my gloves back on but realized the glasses weren't necessary. I felt optimistic that this one worked. I felt like the time was completely right. I felt like the swimmers were going to be right on track. At least we did it. The next one won't feel so scary now I guess.

Holy crap. We finally, finally, finally got a peak.

2006-11-11T12:46:00.000-06:00

So Thursday. Thursday morning rolls around and my damn monitor is stingy and gives me another high. I gave it the finger (seriously), as I was sure that I would receive a peak that day. Then, I had to rush around, had to wear a suit for my swearing in ceremony (yes, I had to endure yet another bar exam for admittance in Illinois, even though I am admitted in two other jurisdictions, go figure), but I digress. Went to work after the long, boring ceremony, and felt like my ovaries were banging cymbals down there. I ran to Walgreens, bought some cheapy OPKs and peed on a stick, awkwardly, in the office bathrooom. (Note to self- a white noise device would be nice in the office bathroom).

And there was that damn second line, the DARK second line, the one that I thought would never show up. This was 4 p.m. on Thursday. I shouted with glee, ran to my office and called J., who demanded that I calm my ass down. I suddenly felt like the egg was sitting in the tube smoking a cigarette, bored, ready to combust. I know that isn't the case, but this is how my mind works. We exercised restraint and decided to wait until Friday morning to do insemination #1. Which was interesting. Doing something this complicated (for us) and still showing up to work at a reasonable hour, well, it was interesting. While I wouldn't describe it as a debacle, I would say that it was somewhat character building.

Insemination #2 occurred on Friday night, around 8 p.m. We think the timing is good, but who the hell knows. My monitor did finally give me a peak on Friday morning, but I think the surge started on Thursday, perhaps early afternoon.

I am going to let J. post the sordid details of the insemination process, as she mentioned it should probably go into a one act play.

So now, somehow, we find ourselves in a TWW. What the hell??

CD19. Flying not so high as to get a peak.

2006-11-09T01:03:00.000-06:00

Still no peak. J. is sleeping soundly next to me. I am working, of all things. Last minute client firedrill ruined my zen-like calm evening I had planned for myself. I was going to connect with my ovaries, be one with them, make them understand that it is time. To let go. Of the egg.

I have had symptoms. I have had girly-part pain. I have had mood swings. I have had glorious spin. I have not had a peak.

drowning in the stream of consciousness

2006-11-07T21:53:00.000-06:00

I've remained somewhat silent during all this, at least in the sense of blogging and online bulletin boards. I'm not sure why this is, maybe because I am actually afraid of having too much information, having more components to worry about. I long to get pregnant by accident, not having to wake S. up early so she can pee on a stick every day, listening to her sigh with disappointment when no peak has come. I don't like that we had to take a cab early in the morning to get our tank of $800 worth of frozen sperm to some lab to be re-filled so that the goods wouldn't melt like mini popsicles. And yet the journey has just begun. We weren't even going to try this month. It was based on a whim. But the doing of all these acts invests you. It sucks you in right away. You realize what it all symbolizes. You are trying to have a baby. The timing is everything. Get it right and you could have your very own baby in nine months. The timing is off and you have to wait another month to start over. I suppose these small things are beginning to add up to a more global issue regarding the fact that we can't make a baby together. At the same time I am dealing with issues surrounding the relationship I have with my own mother. At work I sub-consciously chew on my fingers. I drink too many coffees. I neurotically twirl my hair and play with online ovulation calculators/due date predictors. I am nervous that this could take a long time. I am nervous that it won't take a long time. While S. actively seeks out information online, I remain quiet while flipping through a Pottery Barn baby furniture catalogue. I am so conflicted.

CD18 and feeling downright cranky.

2006-11-07T19:35:00.000-06:00

Oh my god. This cycle has taught me a lot. It being the first attempt and all, I was just a bit in the dark about the ups and downs of this crazy process. Sure, I have been reading everyone's stories morning, noon and night. But its a whole different story living the madness.

And I know we have it easy, not really facing much adversity at this point. But my god I feel pouty today. I have had my hands in my pants for the past three days looking for the elusive "spin" and boy did I have some of it this afternoon. I almost ran the halls of my office to shout in glee. I assumed that meant that the OPK would give me a smiley face tonight. But no. It give me a big fat O (that's zero, not the elusive "oh"). I get my daily morning hugs of "high" fertility from my monitor. After this last negative OPK reading, then its off to google the temperamental habits of spin/CM which in turn lead me off on several tangents to read about anovulatory cycles and what not. I just don't know what the hell is going on with my body. I want to take my ovaries into a corner and make them wear dunce caps because they are just not getting it this month. Every other month they seemed to get it. Just not when there is expensive, frozen/time sensitive sperm hanging around.

Oh, and the sperm. Mr. Tank and I took a romantic cab ride to a fertility lab on Monday to get "recharged" with liquid nitrogen. I am buying time till these puppies melt into small, murky puddles. If there is no O by Friday, I am stashing them at some mysterious cryogenic storage facility. I wish I could put the vials in my sock drawer. I do not feel good about this but it may be my only option.

So I am feeling a bit cranky. Feeling mopey that so few people read and/or comment on my blog (but I sure appreciate those of you who do!). Feeling bratty for feeling that way. Again, I know the real trials and tribulations have yet to begin. Perhaps I will build character so I can weather the next storm with a bit more grace than I am handling this mild turbulence.

Wah. This could almost be PMS. Wouldn't that be a bitch?

CD16. No peak in sight.

2006-11-05T14:29:00.000-06:00

I guess its true. A watched pot doesn't boil.

CD14. No sign of a peak. Sperm is in guest bedroom.

2006-11-03T20:58:00.000-06:00

As I sat on the phone with California Cryobank on Tuesday, my mind raced as I tried to recall the last three cycles and the respective O days. The woman seemed impatient as I was trying to decide whether to "rush" the tank or not. Last cycle I had a freak CD12 O. I reasoned that if I didn't rush the sperm, I would definitely repeat the CD12 O day (meaning the tank would arrive late). So I rushed the sperm, and its been sitting in our guest bedroom since Wednesday morning.

The whole thing is a bit crazy. Its so crazy that my "spin" has dried up and my ovaries seem to be drinking pina coladas on the beach. I haven't felt a twinge in my girly parts since that hunk of metal carrying miniscule amounts of seed arrived from California. I keep laughing to myself, but also somewhat crying on the inside. I called the minions at CCB to ask what we could do if I had a freakishly long cycle- could I return the tank with the vials in it if we never opened it? The woman on the phone acted like I was asking her to do long division in her head so I didn't get much guidance. I did find a mysterious andrology lab here in town that will allow me to deposit these mini thimbles of sperm for two months if I don't O by the 7 day deadline (read, next Tuesday). I really can't even think about it.

Not to mention that I went on an interview on Thursday and in the middle of talking to this guy who would be my boss's boss, I thought, what the hell am I thinking trying to get pregnant when I might be switching jobs??? I have to send the sperm back!! But now, you see, now that the sperm might be thawing in the guest bedroom, I want to try this month. And my ovaries are not cooperating.

And here it is Friday, it feels a little melancholy. J. is at some HIV nonprofit event for work and I wish we could be watching Borat instead. I just don't want to think about sperm, my lack of spin, my lack of ovarian twinges any more this evening.

For those 2.5 of you reading, thanks for commenting. I don't feel so alone when I get a comment. Does that make me a comment whore? Sure.

Buying some real estate in Crazytown.

2006-10-31T23:11:00.000-06:00

The sperm tank is arriving tomorrow. Insemination likely to occur Wednesday/Thursday or Thursday/Friday.

We're cookin' with gas now.

Sigh.

2006-10-30T23:02:00.000-06:00

We just returned from the worst movie ever. Running with Scissors. I must say, we knew it was coming. Rotten Tomatoes doesn't lie. But our love of Annette Bening drew us out, against all the "you know better" thoughts. But. Don't do it! While the book was really not that good, it was mildly entertaining. A good option for a quick, easy read. There was some humor in there. The movie lacked all humor. It was just awful.

In other news, we have been debating when we should start our home inseminations. J. has been charting the various ovulation/due dates. A part of me wants to start this cycle but that would be crazy since I am on CD10, we are thinking, perhaps December.

I haven't mentioned the fact that I am thinking of switching jobs. In the event that I do, wouldn't it be terribly rude to pop out with a pregnant belly just a few months after my start date? But the thing is, I don't want to wait. Whether I switch jobs or stay at my current employer, we want to start trying. We feel ready.

Perhaps that is selfish. But I think we could always come up with reasons as to why now is not the right time. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

We did the deed.

2006-10-25T12:53:00.000-05:00

Well, not that deed. We bought 20 vials of Mr. Dreamy with Tall Brother. ICI samples. First, we plan on trying at home. Hope to not endure the speculum, but we are mentally prepared for that if needed.

Some have reacted to suggest this is too much for the two of us, others say not enough. We are happy to hear any comments you may have. Anyone? Anyone?

If this guy doesn't work, we will probably exchange the remainder of his vials for someone else. But we like him so much, we want to give it the ol' college try.

I have stared at his baby picture five times today. There might be something wrong with me.

Hello. My name is Crazy. What's your name?

2006-10-21T14:57:00.000-05:00

We are sucking at this blogging thing. I think it will get better as we approach the Time, when we venture into TTC land with our first inseminations. As this blog somewhat illustrates, we have been really, really vexed by the known versus unknown donor question.

I thought I had it answered last month. But then we thought about it. Thought about the donor. I love him, but he's not a self-less person. I know this about him. So I began to wonder about his motivations and his enthusiasm about being a donor for us. Then I heard some semi-stupid things his partner said about the whole process, and we got more concerned. Everything felt a bit half baked, so we went back to the sperm bank drawing board. It just seems the safest route legally, and that is SUPER important to us.

So, here we are again. We have been torturing the staff members at California Cryobank with our millions of questions, and still come up with a half-empty feeling with most of the profiles. Until....last night. We found the perfect donor. Both of our hearts' sang with this guy's profile, we loved his baby picture, audio file, the whole thing. We call the bank, he has ample supply, we are thinking we are going to snatch up a bunch of his vials and pretend money is just monopoly money and store them like a squirrel stores nuts for a long, cold winter. Excuse the near miss of a pun.

We went through his health history and all felt pretty great, until, we found his freakishly tall brother. I mean, this dude is tall. 6'9". I am 5'8", J. is 5'4", so we like a little height. But that's a bit extreme. The donor is only 6', his parents are tall but on the normal tallish side.

I have been posting on bulletin boards, list-servs, you name it. I am an information gatherer. If you happen to be reading this and have some assvice to offer, I'd love to hear it.

This is not going to stop us, I know this. So, we may end up with a tall kid. A really tall kid. I just hope the really, really tall kid is a boy that loves him some hoops.

You Just Never Know. Period.

2006-09-20T23:39:00.000-05:00

Well, just as we had bookmarked all of our favorite sperm donors, loaded them up in various baskets, among various sperm banks, waiting in the wings for that Epiphany that would cause the mouse to click "Purchase"...which never came.

Yesterday, I decided to write our potential KD and give him a list of reasons why he shouldn't be our KD, including, but not limited to, the time, the hassle, the commitment, the celibacy. I just wanted to know what our real choices are, since we've been ping ponging back and forth between known and unknown. I expected that this would freak him out. Big time. And.....it didn't. He wrote me and said he'd considered all of that. And then J. and I spoke with him for over an hour.

So now we are thinking we might be going the known donor route. He said he would be willing to fly out each cycle to be around for my ovulation time (remember, he's in NYC, we are in the Windy City). That shocked me. He just kept saying all the right things. That shocked me too.

There are many questions to resolve, legal issues to really hammer out, but this may work. We're shocked.

I can't wait until my OB-Gyn appointment in October. I am ready to get things moving along.

Flummoxed

2006-09-13T20:03:00.000-05:00

J. started a job today. She's a little upset. We had to leave Howard behind for a full day by himself (with a dog walker, of course). We're going to see how it goes. She may go back to being a stay-at-home painter. That's what she should do anyway.

TTC-thoughts continue. But I am confused by my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor. This is my first month- and it asked for a bunch of those oh so valuable pee sticks early on. Starting on Day 9 of my cycle, it read "High". On day 14, it didn't ask for a stick (!!), and still read "High"- then, on Day 15, it asked for a stick, and I got a peak. So okay, good to know that something is happening with my parts. But how did it know that Day 14 wasn't a peak? And then. Day 16, it didn't want a stick again. And it told me I had a peak, again. Say what?

Is this normal? I find it odd that the monitor wouldn't want a stick every day mid-cycle. I just don't get it.

Please let me know that I am not crazy. In other news, I figured out how to get a title field. It has (almost) made my day!

2006-09-05T17:53:00.000-05:00

Excellence

I just caught Howard (the dog) chewing a #2 pencil. Perhaps in honor of childrens' first day back at school. It was pretty far gone so I am sure he's been working on it for a good hour or so. I am also pretty sure that it's not good for a small dog to ingest a pencil. I guess I told myself he was chewing his rawhide. It's funny what you can tell yourself.

I am starting a new job next week and I feel like I am mourning my unemployed life already, thinking about all the things I should have done or seen in this (some say) magnificent city. And then I get angry with myself about it. And what paintings did I work on while I was home? This was supposed to be my special artist time, where I made an exquisite body of work to show and be proud. But things don't turn out that way. If you think about being productive too much then somehow nothing gets done. Except, of course, the production of lower self-esteem.

The smell of the oil paint medium I use is toxic. I am dizzy right now, in fact. I don't get proper ventilation. I stink of chemicals. When I realize that I am getting lightheaded I look down at what I am working on and wonder if it is worth it. Like, you know, if I was slowly poisioning myself over the years. Is this piece of shit painting worth my virgin pink lungs? I doubt it.

We got some sperm donor long profiles in the mail much to my delight last week. I was not too pleased with the provided information however. I am pickier than I thought. I feel like I can be, though, because I'll never get to meet this man. All I have is what's on this paper, and maybe a baby picture for $25 or some shit. I mean, there are hundreds of anonymous men out there donating their seed so we can have babies. Why shouldn't I choose the most ideal match for us? Ideal meaning isolating characteristics that are undesirable (ruddy, bulbous nose; bacne) and choosing those we fancy (blue eyes; undefeated badminton champion) I don't know. It's hard, yo.

2006-08-27T21:20:00.000-05:00

So we aren't doing so well keeping on top of this blogging thing. Well, we aren't quite in the thick of the TTC madness yet, we are just obsessing over all the permutations as to how it can happen. Plus, we have real ife stuff going on, like my job for one, which both sucks out the soul and most of my time. We still manage to peruse sperm banks' websites regularly and exclaim over the amount of "Please Calls" listed by our favorites. They tell me its the summer dry-spell. Not to be crass or anything, but I guess the dixie cup population starts filing in once school starts up again.

I am waiting for my first appointment with an ob-gyn in Chicago since moving here from NYC. I couldn't get in until October and I am not even sure she's the right one...I don't know if she is lesbian savvy or AI savvy, and I can't seem to dig up any leads from lesbians/women who actually have used an ob-gyn in the Chicago area in the AI journey. If you are one of the 2.25 people reading this blog and have any ideas, please let us know. Also, tell us how we might title our posts, will you? Do you just merely use really large font?

Plus, I am bummed that my usually oh so regular cycle is late this month by about a week (so far). I just bought the fertility monitor and was going to start using it this month. So I guess my period is hiding from me, the little bitch that she is. I am now convinced that I will have problems conceiving. But I digress.

Hopefully J. will post more soon. She's a firecracker that one. She was online today trying to buy babyclothes for a child that isn't even in the making. We don't even know if we can make one yet and she is picking out fancy overseas onesies.

2006-08-16T11:30:00.000-05:00

S. tells me I am not fulfilling my blogging duties.

I am not feeling inspired as of late. Painting is no longer boosting my endorphins. If only one painting could turn out the way I want it to then maybe the faith would be restored.

In baby related news, I am reading about fertility every day and becoming a freak. We bought a fertility monitor and a basal thermometer. I am now concerned that I have stood too closely to the microwave and have spent countless hours with the laptop on my reproductive parts.

2006-08-15T00:05:00.000-05:00

Someday we will go the extra mile and actually title our posts.

So its been a bit of a whirlwind. Much searching of the sperm banks. A basket full of spermies at California Cryobank. Almost-impulsive profile ordering (the $65 bundle of "the works" including a baby photo and audio sample- put it in the basket, delete it, put it back in the basket, delete it again).

Then we look at pictures of our KD and wonder, isn't it better just to know? Its such a difficult decision. On some level, given the fact that he is in NYC, not Chicago, should make our decision for us. Fresh sperm seems like an impossibility given the distance, so why go through all the hassle?? And yet. We're just not sure.

Plus, I am still haunted by the triplets dream from last week. To recap, I dreamt that J. was in the delivery room and she was having triplets. (In the dream somehow the doctors did not catch the triplets in the ultrasounds). My reaction to the triplets was a bit disturbing. The first reaction was sheer panic. Wondering if there was a way we could pass the extra two to deserving families on a street corner. My second reaction, sadness tinged with anger that I knew there would be no way I could carry a child since J. was having three, how could we handle any more than that? Third reaction, guilt, and a bit of shame. Guilt that I was handing out babies like puppies in my head, and how could I feel this way when all three were part of J.? Its really pure fear, that dream. Almost too literal. A roadmap to my fears, really. I woke up really freaked out, almost mad at J. for not telling me about the triplets. (I know there were no triplets. It was just a dream...but I am soooo good at getting mad from dreams, and staying mad for at least an hour post-wakeup.)

Anyway, we plod onward and upward. The triplets didn't keep me from ordering the $200 fertility monitor on Amazon today. Its arriving on Wednesday.

2006-08-11T15:26:00.000-05:00

i clearly have too much time on my hands. since moving to chicago i have too often been mesmorized by the Discovery Health Channel and all it has to offer. i find myself watching it throughout the day in bits and pieces, learning of the intimate details of pregnancies far away. usually whereby multiples are born by cesarean section. i get frightened and intrigued, frightened and intrigued, in waves. then i usually rush to get the laptop to see if new donors have been added to the cryobank. i have babies on the brain.

since i was little i've had an obsession with infants and childbirth. i was an only child, a high risk birth that nearly didn't make it, so my mother didn't have the energy to go through it again. i had imaginary siblings (timmy and alice) and carried dolls around until an inappropriate age, probably. i was a sweet kid, they say, but also kind of a weirdo, i surmise. since meeting S. i've developed a desire to raise a family together. not just children, but a desire for pets as well. must be some kind of nesting instinct. after all, i am a cancer and we are supposed to be the mothers of the world, right? right??

it's madness, is what it is. i have been chattering away about this business for years but suddenly S. got that crazy look in her eye and i knew we were going to throw ourselves into it full force. it's consuming us and it is so exciting and so terrifying. the thought of S. with her big pregnant belly makes me want to give her a foot massage and go out and get her gallons and ice cream. i am getting ahead of myself. we don't even know what we're doing. well, i don't. i don't have much of a career yet and i feel pretty uncertain of what the hell i am going to do with myself professionally. she is the stable one, in that arena. i am already flipping out about getting "settled" before the baby comes and we don't even have a donor yet. i have to get myself together. i am a painter so i do a lot of thinking about my relevance in the world. it can make a girl feel crazy.

last night S. had a nightmare that i was pregnant with triplets (thanks to the DHC channel that i left on the tv before falling asleep) and it filled her with dread. upon waking she thought it was a sign that we shouldn't have kids after all. this is the proverbial tip of the iceberg of anxieties that i imagine will arise before the real planning begins. i have for years had nightmares about having a baby boy that gets taken away from me somehow and in the dream that feels like hours, i am searching for him, panicked and grief stricken. i am already a wreck just about our dog, howard. when i left howard at a dog day care center for a few days i spent my whole vacation like a basketcase, wondering if he was feeling forlorn in my absence.

i knew it. i have written too much. i have bored you and i am sorry. next time i will be more concise.

2006-08-10T20:21:00.000-05:00

J. is downstairs making chicken of some kind. I have perused my 1000th blog and still want more. Its all so illuminating and confusing.

So let's recap my day on the TTC front and beyond:

1) On the cherub vs. puppy battle, while at work I called a breeder because suddenly I had the epiphany that we should get dog #2 before tiny tot #1 is conceived. We have a lovely little 9 month old puppy, Howard, whose likeness will no doubt be prominently displayed on this blog from time to time. Anyhoo, I found out that this lady in Georgia has a lotta puppies. Suddenly I wanted to jump on a plane and buy a few of them. I tried to exercise self control, which is not easy for me. I think my impulsive nature will shine through if I keep up this blogging. But the puppy issue will remain on hold.

2) Speaking of blogging, how the heck do you connect with the blogging universe out there? I am pretty sure that I am the only one that gives a damn that this newly conceived Lightning Seed blog exists. Which is okay. But not.

3) Tonight we called the California Cryobank (ahh the joys of speakerphone). We talked to a very nice lady. It was a much more positive experience than the conversation I had the other day with a representative from the yet-to-be-named cryobank who advised me that if she was me, she would use a known donor. Niiiiice. Was that a wink-wink nudge-nudge moment? Great business model, though! Train a few more phone reps like that one.

Anyway the California Cryobank had me all obsessing over those vials of blonde/blue spermies flying off the shelf. Buy 'em all up before they are all gone, she urged us. (Of course our favorite donor is all sold out. Already lost out on one!) Anyway, since we are still in (pre) pre-conception mode (PPCM) I think we should calm down a bit.

Well I say we should calm down, really I mean I should calm down. J. is always calm. She always wakes up soap-opera pretty. And calm. I wake up looking like Don King and I am a bit of a mess.

But I digress. The California Cryobank lady was really nice. And maybe it makes me feel a bit better about the unknown donor route. But I'm not quite there. I need some peeps to weigh in here.

Yes, the age old question, known vs. unknown. I grapple with this question-if I have a really cute, smart, gay boy who I've known for years who claims that he is up for it, why shouldn't I use him?
Okay, there are a few issues that come to mind at the moment:
1) He can be flaky and I am not sure I can envision him going through the hassle;
2) He might have a mild cleft chin, but I'm not sure about that;
3) He's in NYC, and we are no longer in NYC;
4) the California Cryobank lady told me it will likely be more expensive.

See, one thing that troubles me with the sperm banks is...those profiles. They are not inspiring. In fact they make me shrivel up a little...the responses make me feel a bit uneasy, i.e. "Big animals scare me" and "Mint green is my favorite color." How do I get past that? And what if I don't want my donor to look like Gerard Depardieu? Is that so wrong?

2006-08-10T00:30:00.000-05:00

We sit here on our lovely bed, which as of late has turned into baby-central. Which basically means that we are both sitting here with laptops on our laps, fervently reading blogs. It all feels quite voyeuristic, and its lovely. I spend hours a day reading all these fantastic, real, stressful, happy, devastating stories about trying to conceive and it scares the living hell out of me. Yet intrigues me. Makes me want to learn more.

We have talked about babies for some time. J. is the person I will spend the rest of my life with...I know this. I know she will be a fanstastic mom. A few years ago we first started the obsession salivating over little baby nikes in the store. Then we moved to TLC and the Discovery Channel, "Maternity Ward" and specials on conjoined twins. The specials on conjoined twins and the other myriad of potential problems made us shelve the baby nikes for a while, wondering if we were really ready to handle the stress of trying to conceive. Now, I am facing my 34th birthday and remembering my promise that I would birth before 36. Time is running out. The pressure is on. Maybe one is never truly ready, maybe you just have to take the plunge? Thats the thing- since we can't do these things "by mistake" or have a "pleasant little surprise", we have to plan plan and then plan some more. I am a Libra, therefore, what I do is analyze, fret, feel unsure, fret, and then analyze some more.

But there is something driving me here.

We will spend the next few months fretting over all the major decisions, known vs. unknown, fresh vs. frozen, a little cherub vs. a new puppy. Its all so overwhelming. How does one know its the right time? When do you have that epiphany that makes you feel it is certain? When do you cross that threshold?