Brief. But heartfelt.

Well. My life has been crazy. I barely get to read blogs anymore, work has been insane. It has been good in some ways, as I am learning a lot. Working with some good people. But the bad part is that I feel so distant from the TTC journey. I haven't even been monitoring my blood pressure as much, mostly because I think its been lower. Mostly. But then again I may have busted up my the machine taking it ten times a day.

But I wanted to wave to everyone and say that I miss you all. And I do jump on from time to time to read and catch up. Babies have arrived, babies on the way. All beautiful things. And I hope to rejoin the journey very soon. Perhaps March. I am feeling March.

We are sans clue.

So. Here I am again, not sure what to say other than, holy shit. What the hell. Work has been work, there is no surprise to describe there. Oh, wait, a deal I have been working on for some time may die soon. On some level, this is good, because it means I get some sliver of my life back. But then its bad. Bad because the last few months feel so damn wasteful if the damn thing dies.

Not to mention. The blood pressure thing is no fun. I don't know what happened. I went from the readings at most every visit being 110/70 to having some wacky thing going on with my diastolic (which usually ranges from 80s to 90s). My systolic ranges from 110-130. So. The question is whether to go on beta blockers. I immediately worry that I am too unhealthy to have a child. BP issues with pregnancy, as we all know, equals no fun. I am not even clear what BP medicine is safe to take while pregnant. There is a little sticker on the bottle that I stare at every day that warns about taking with pregnancy. Any thoughts on this?

I have already lowered the salt, I am trying to exercise. Thank you for the yoga tips and whatnot. I think that it would be a good idea, I just need to overcome my gym phobia. At this point, I am just running/walking outside 3 or so times a week. I need to do more, I need to find time to do more.

So. We don't know what we are going to do on the baby front. We are considering the options. We even talked about the possibility of J. carrying my baby via IVF, although I know that is a tough route. But, man it would be ideal since I have to work pretty hard, and am the main breadwinner if you will. It would simplify things. But we just don't know.

So there you have it. We just don't know. Will we try in February? Not clear. Any internets out there knowing of pregnant folks with higher BP, please give me a shout. I'd love to hear from you.

Wearing thin a bit around the edges.

Well, just wanted to swing by again to wave hello, in sort of a sad little I can't believe my life kind of way. I have had a very weird couple of weeks. For whatever reason, I took my blood pressure at my brother's place on Christmas eve and it was high. So I ended up at the doctor on Thursday and she told me it was high. I knew it was going to be high when she took it because I was fairly wigged out about it. (I have high blood pressure in the genes on my dad's side, so its not surprising that it might show up one day).

Two months ago it was 110/70 at the doc's office. Thursday it was 150/95. It has never been that high, so I knew it was due to stress. I have been stressed out lately. The job, the trying to conceive, the wondering how I will try to conceive with or without the job, etc. My job has pretty much woken me up every morning with my mind racing with all there is to do. So, I wasn't surprised to hear that I am experiencing some high bp.

The thing that sucks is that she wants me to take a beta blocker. Well, sort of. She wants me to take it if I get more high readings at home (I have a home machine for fun and games. Part of me wants to throw it out the window). Anyway, I have taken it and mostly its been on the high side, but not nearly as bad as the doc's office. So I don't know what I will end up doing. I could use to lose about 15 pounds, and, really, I should exercise. I don't exercise at all. I sort of want to try that route first before I start popping pills. Oh yeah, and the dash diet. Good times.

The bad news- this sort of makes the TTC thing a bit weird. I feel that I need to get this shit under control, figured out, and whatnot before we start trying again. So it means at the very least that January is out. Maybe even February. But I am trying not to think that far ahead, as its somewhat depressing.

Anyway, any thoughts out there on bp or whatnot would be much appreciated. I am trying to remain as zen as possible, as my worrying about my bp is of course raising the bp.

Again. Good times.

Happy holidays, internets.

Well its been a crazy few weeks. I don't know what to say about it other than, holy crap has it been busy. I have had no time to obsess over TTC, and I have turned into a boring person who works all the time. Sad, but true. Thank god its somewhat temporary.

January is looking crazy too. So we are not sure what to do about trying that month. We may sneak in another home attempt. I just don't see how I am going to make it to the RE over the next week or so to get a bunch of blood work and the other physical he failed to mention at the appointment that he wants to do. Something about a swab and whatnot.

Anyway, we will see. I am trying to be Zen about it all. Trying.

I hope everyone has a lovely, lovely holiday. And I wish all the TWW'ers the best of luck. I hope to be joining your ranks again very soon.

Moment of silence.

For the peak readings. Passed like a ship in the night. Let us have a moment of silence for the unattended egg, floating into oblivion, to its demise. Let us hope that is not my last.

It just sucks.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program...

So J. and I have been looking for someone to work on the website for J.'s side business, and not having a lot of luck with the Art Institute kids we been contacting lately. Story is, she has a site up and running for over a year now but it needs to be revamped and updated in a bad way.

The person who initially did the design has since gone MIA so we need someone good who can either scrap all her pieced together code or work with what's there. We don't have a preference.

We are certainly willing to pay $$ and all that, we just need some tips to lead us to some really good graphic designer/web-design peeps. And I figured the Internets would know. Please send me an e-mail if you do.

Thank you very much. And good night.

Unfit.

Today at work (yes, at work on a Saturday, which might explain some of the crankiness I will describe below), I had to go grab some lunch. So I went next door to get a sandwich and the place was fairly empty. Hmm, probably because it was a place in the Loop (Loop in Chicago=businesses and nothing more so if you are in the Loop on a Saturday you are in a very sad place). But randomly a woman came in with two small-ish kids. These kids were running around shrieking, bumping into me, the others in line, the mother looked like she was teetering on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown.

I started having really bad thoughts. I might have snarled at the children. I can't be sure. But I do know that the kids were driving me nuts. I didn't feel one ounce of affection for these kids, not one. Nor did I have the "oh ho ho kids will be kids" reaction. Maybe I felt a smidge of pity for the mother who, like I said in paragraph one, looked like she was about to crack.

It made me worry that I am unfit to be a parent. I come home and confess this all to J. in a hushed whisper. She is nonplussed. I try to tell myself two things; 1) I would never let my kids behave that way; and 2) I can't predict how I will feel about my own kids based on my reactions to a stranger's progeny. Our tolerance is just different for our own. Right? Right??*eye twitching now*

I didn't order the swimmers. I am thinking I am sitting December out. Although there is no sign of a peak. Hmm, note to self- I guess I really do ovulate late. I thought it was insemination shyness last month. Its like CD17 or some shit. I must say I like that I am not sticking my hands in my pants every five minutes to check for CM. I fear that my ovaries are smoking virginia slims and sipping martinis this month.